My Testimony

My Testimony - Part 9 A Path To Forgiveness

When I started writing my testimony, I never imagined it would turn into a series within itself.  Out of the blue it seems, memories come flooding back to me, and I feel the Lord encouraging me to write about it, so I do.

This story begins a few years ago, when my youngest son was a few months old.  Without a shadow of a doubt, I was given a revelation by the Lord Jesus Himself, when a photograph of a local church flashed in my mind, and a Bible verse accompanied it which says:

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Philippians 4:13

The message seemed obvious; the Lord wanted me to start attending that church.  I was a little excited because I had never had such an obvious revelation from the Lord before.  But at the same time, the thought of going to this church by myself was a bit daunting.  So, I decided to tell my mum and husband about it, and to my surprise, they both expressed their willingness to come with me. 

So, our church going started off without a hitch for the most part.  Having teenagers, I felt it safer to leave them at home at first while my husband, mum and I (with baby in arms) got acquainted with the local congregation.  It was a lovely little church with a lot of elderly folk attending, which I just loved.  The services were very moving and gentle, and I often found my eyes welling up with tears at how moving the services were.  I felt at home, and it didn't take long for me to start imagining myself as a long-term member of this cute little church.  But there was one thing that troubled me about it all.  Leaving my teenagers at home by themselves.  I needed to know if it was a place they could feel at home in too.

So, leading up to the next Sunday, I asked my teenagers if they would be willing to come along just one time, to at least see if they liked it, to which they all obliged.  Little did I expect that I was going to be the one that had the biggest problem with it, that it would cause me to stop attending that church altogether.  The first unexpected hitch arose when the pastor announced that he wanted all of the children, teens included to leave the service and attend Sunday School.  I had never seen this happen before, so it was an understatement to say that I was shocked.  I felt sorry for my teens as they all looked at me with anxiety all over their faces, I could tell they didn't want to leave us.  Despite feeling anxious myself, I automatically became compliant as I worried about not drawing unwanted attention towards us, and especially not my teens.  I asked them all if they would be alright, to which they all nodded and willingly followed the other children out to Sunday School.

I don't know how long it took me, maybe 10 or so minutes, but my anxiety quickly turned to anger as I was reminded of some of the things that had been said to me as a child, by well-meaning religious folk when my parents were not around.  Before long I was excusing myself from the service to go in search for my children.

Being quite a big building, I got a bit lost looking in every room, upstairs and downstairs a few times which just made my blood boil more.  By this stage I was muttering under my breath saying, "If anyone says anything to hurt my children Lord, I'm going to lose it."

By the time I found the door to the Sunday School room my emotions had overwhelmed me, as I saw my children's faces through the little pane of glass.  Not wanting to make a scene and embarrass my kids, I took a seat on the sofa outside the door, as tears began to fall.  I wasn't going to move though, until my children were let out.  I still needed to know how "Church" felt from their perspective, before I was going to let myself be convinced, that I was in the right place.

My children were all happy to see me waiting outside the door as they all walked over and gave me a hug.  This almost made me emotional all over again, as I began to think that I was really worrying about nothing, so I told my children to go and find their dad and nan while I went to the toilet.  As soon as I got in there, I wept and told the Lord, "I forgive Lord, I forgive!" I feel it important to say that I was literally thinking about all churches when I said this.  I didn't know it at the time, but this would be the last time I would attend that church as a member. 

This was an important moment in my life and in my walk with the Lord, because up until that moment I hadn't realized that I was still harboring unforgiveness toward people from my past who like Job's friends, might not have said the most helpful things to me while I was growing up.  In the Bible, the Lord encourages us to forgive everyone for their trespasses against us, and in turn the Lord promises to forgive us for all of ours. 

Therefore I say to you, What things soever ye desire, when ye pray, believe that ye receive them, and ye shall have them. And when ye stand praying, forgive, if ye have anything against anyone: that your Father also which is in heaven may forgive you your trespasses. But if ye do not forgive, neither will your Father which is in heaven forgive your trespasses. Mark 11:24-26

Along with confessing our sins, I have found forgiveness to be another one of the most important components to having a flourishing relationship with the Lord.  We're all destined to stuff-up at different times and maybe say or do some things like Job's friends, that are probably not as beneficial for others as we might hope.  These are those times that we can only hope that people are Job's in our lives, by praying and forgiving us for our trespasses.  Thankfully our walk with the Lord is not dependent on other people forgiving us, but rather on us forgiving them.  As long as we confess our sins and forgive others for all their trespasses against us, the lines of communication between us and the Lord can't be broken.

As for that little church, I still hold it in high regard for being the only church I had ever experienced feeling comfortable in.  As for my children, having never grown up in a church setting, they all felt a bit awkward at best and all expressed their desire to opt out.  And being teenagers, I chose to accept their plea and eventually chose to stay home with them myself.  In hindsight, maybe I could have talked to the pastor afterwards and asked if it were ok if my children stayed with me, and maybe he might have consented.  But feeling just as vulnerable myself in that setting, it wasn't a request I felt brave enough to make, so we stopped attending.

As for the revelation that led to my attending that church in the first place.  The Lord knew full well my limits and limitations, before I ever stepped through those church doors.  And knowing the end from the beginning, I'm convinced the Lord's purpose for sending me there was achieved, when I found it in my heart to forgive people their trespasses going all the way back to childhood.